ज़िंदगी की इस अफ़रा तफ़री में हर कोई मशरूफ है…
‘ख्वाइश’ दुनिया की भीड़ मे खुद को ढूंढता है
अपने ही अक्स को जिसने काग़ज़ पे उतारा नही अभी…!
who knew this morning when she was writing savera that she would end up spending the evening pondering and re-pondering it! so she ended up at a play this evening by evam… ‘chasing my mamet duck‘ and it had all the answers… it was a sign from above! it was a sign to silence the within and create…! create the life she wanted to live.. create the person she wanted to be…! create her own have… her own safe cocoon! in Evam’s own words.. “The Duck for Mamet’s characters was a metaphor for their longings, failings, happiness, loss and their lives. It is all that they are as well as all that they could be, and could have been. With meaning, Chasing my Mamet Duck is creating the perfect spot in this world for us, and hence for the world around.”
It made her go back and forth in time to discover the moments that really kept her going and to shed the excess baggage we so often tend to carry around!
It reverberated lines from fight club:
“You do the little job you’re trained to do. Pull a lever. Push a button. You don’t understand any of it, and then you just die…. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”
And that has happened because you have not bothered to fight the inertia within to create…! Change is not a one way street with all fast lanes… Change is more like the gully with traffic coming from all sides and you dying of the frustration of honking it out and making very very slow pace..
But what does it take to switch the track in the car to a favorite song and tap your feet to it while little by little as you make headway the world sorts itself out?! Speaking of track… The American Play decided to play on her way back home and this is what stuck in her head…
“Back in those days everything was simpler and more confused
One summer night, going to the pier I ran into two young girls
The blonde one was called Freedom
The dark one, Enterprise
We talked and they told me this story
Now listen to this…
I’ll tell you about Texas radio and the big beat
Soft, driven, slow and mad..!”
it’s taken her back in time to a conversation from a few months ago how she’s been feeling off late… when your realities and inner peace gets confused with the work of daily living! he had walked into her house for the fourth or fifth time probably and was still taken aback (?) at what he saw there and the person he saw outside.. this once probably he couldn’t stop himself… and he sat her down in front of her paintings and her lava lamps and said “who are you?!”
she was reasonably taken aback… she had never been affronted with these kind of questions… she was always passed judgement on.. ‘ur so free spirited..’ ‘ur ur own person aren’t u…’ ‘ur fat…’ ‘ur just a workaholic trying to glorify her work…’ ‘wow.. i wanna be like u’ (yeah this one was flattering!) et al.. being asked who she was was new! and she realized there was no escaping the answer… he started taking her through her own paintings… he was like i know u.. i know the life you have led… but why is there so much pain in ur paintings? why can’t u let go? why are u so sad?!
now this too was new… she had been passed judgement on as this basically happy person… and well.. that’s what she was! she did not see her paintings as sad… she saw them as liberating… she had to explain to him that it’s not sadness.. it’s the quest for inner peace! (she probably was a buddhism follower in a past life and was completely obsessed with inner peace… infact still is! that scene in Kung Fu Panda 2 where Shifu looks at Po and goes ‘u’ve found inner peace! and that too at such a young age!’ is something she so resonates with!!!) she started explaining the angel on fire painting with the purple moon to burn of inhibitions… it also has a long question mark dripping of the cosmic emotion to put various inner battles at rest and explore this world to create the self… (that’s not too bad now is it?!)! Then there were these variants in phoenix’s… each breaking free from one karmic cycle unto another to find levels of equilibrium and peace.. but he saw that as a struggle to constantly rise and fall like the phoenix..
and then he said something that she’s never really forgotten… you are these different people at these different times aren’t u?! heck No…! she wasn’t schizophrenic! (she always romanced the idea of multiple personalities but no she wasn;t officially there yet!) She then quietly stared into her lava lamp and explained to him that she’s vulnerable when the world knows her.. it’s best to let know only what is needed to most people… (he and a couple others know her like the back of their palm now and tats ok too!).. it’s a few paint coats that you should keep on to go through this life sanely enough.. and it’s only you who can find the equilibrium between the idle chatter of daily living, the friendly banter, the heart to heart conversations and self expression!
her balance was jilted off late… it had twisted towards the idle chatter of daily life without much of self expression… and the minute she let the chatter quiet down.. in the silence of not doing she discovered her head bursting with new paintings! she discovered this person again who wasn’t afraid anymore to go to a coffee shop or a movie all by herself just to sit and read (well not in the movie theatre!) and pamper herself to a good breakfast!
it also took her back to the time she had just had enough of the idle chatter of this world a couple of years ago and just run off by herself to Horsley hills! It was liberating!!
and today.. awake at 7 am… watching a movie to try and go back to sleep… all efforts failed coz the movie proved strangely striking and interesting… IMDB actually says it well when they say “ARRANGED centers on the friendship between an Orthodox Jewish woman and a Muslim woman who meet as first-year teachers at a public school in Brooklyn. Over the course of the year they learn they share much in common – not least of which is that they are both going through the process of arranged marriages. ” It’s hard to say what happened… but it struck a chord with her and had her smiling and ready for breakfast by the end of it!
so there she was.. exploring the new CBTL in town and digging away into the ham and cheese baguette alongwith the bliss of a pure iced hazelnut surrounded by the colorful mosaic floor… staring out at the city through lovely green and red framed french windows! Looking at the colorful decorative bottles and the lamps…sitting at a mosaic table.. she could probably write a song..! But she’ll go back to the Dylan Biography she’s been trying to read for the longest time now! (and the idle chatter of daily living has been stopping her from doing it!)
~moksha is easy… all you have to do is take a couple of deep breaths and pull up your chin! Converting tyrannical traffic sounds into a poets’ dream of myriad colors passing you by and conversations as a writer would love them are again all in the head!
(better eat and get pack to that painting now!)
he: and all the world’s a stage…
she: was thinking on the same lines but then zoned out as she caught the glimpse of the bells being reflected off a new canvas through muted hues of afternoon sunshine…
he: but the men and women… are they really players?
she: still staring at the reflected bells… no. not players… paths cross.. for a reason. your lives get enriched… the illusions we cast with the association are what break… there will always be an eternal moment of peace before moving on…
he: so what we create with other people is an illusion?
she: finally peels her eyes away from the canvas knowing what she will put on it will answer his questions…
she: you remember pandora’s box? Reality is a mirage… consciousness continues to be a self inflicted illusion…
he: Reality is a mirage… conciousness continues to be a self inflicted illusion… the escape route into our heads is layered with noisy real world barricades… hence the need to travel?
she: smiles… no. hence the need to stop trying to find yourself. you are right here. you need to create the consciousness you want to be in… it’s up to you. what you create with other people is real for the said illusion… but as you each move on you need to find individual realities…
he: you mean illusions?
she: no… u need to find something real tro latch onto to spin the web of thought around it…
he: damaged. you’re damaged!
she: only illusively so! ~winks and then hides away into her head…
To a tumultuous year ending and the finding of inner peace snuggled in a fuschia rajai as soft rays of morning sun peep through the leaf print curtains with a cup of pudina coffee and a buddha painting she turns to and murmurs the daimoku! (Namu Myoho Renge Kyo)
And then.. (uncanny how most of her life starts with an and then… as if it’s in constant afterthought and expression!)..
coming back to the and then… she was called a wildflower! She was looking for a word… she’s been called destiny’s (damaged) child more than once, a ragamuffin child, an adaptive bohemian et al… but this one was new!
He: You’re a wildflower
He: (goes on explaining but she’s not listening anymore and has landed into this epiphany all her own)
She stumbles back to his words
He: ….as if you know who’s this brilliance of orange red and yellow
She (goes back in her head): and then people would uproot the wildflower trying to possess it and tend it as they would their garden of joy but without the freedom of spirit she wilts!
Moral epiphany: We do this so often.. all of us… try to hold on to somehting, make it our own and in the process take away a free spirit!
What the past year has been for her was essentially this powerful will to hang onto that spirit… it’s not worth it without it now is it?! 🙂 (go figure the its!)And somewhere in her head she knows she’s now in that hammock of bliss staring up at the sun knowing it can’t cast shadows she can’t play with anymore!
She ponders at her resolutions and gets off the hammock determined.. she’s found the swirl of energy to provide an equilibrium to her mindspace brimming with ideas… And she stares at the daimoku tattooed on her hand knowing that this is the beginning of a new discovery! ~hari om~