baithak

and i sit with tired eyes and my curls astray… but with a smile… a smile of satisfaction that comes from knowing you fought for what was right and you hung in there all the way through and that this world did line up to give you what you wanted..! 🙂

i sit staring at the painting that has the focus objects neatly done and the background awaiting an experiment in color and texture…

i sit under the peaceful yellow light of a kashmiri lamp as i brood on which book to pick up and devour…

i sit staring into space wanting the vacation to begin…

i sit munching at some carrots thinking of when i will allow myself soul satisfying food…

i sit in quiet peace knowing i am destiny’s child… believing in a rain to wash it all away…

i sit yet again listening to iktara and deciphering the shapes of the lava lamp…

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mil gaya

spent a beautiful day all by myself… rediscovering all that was lost beneath the layer of unfathomable work related stress…

i don’t if it’s happened to you.. but it happened to me that work made me grow old faster than i wanted to.. being a manager of 12 little children can force it… and the answer to all distress was unlocked in a drive home after buying a box of paints when it struck me.. hey… the rest of me still has a child within.. waiting to come out and play…

and the child has been unlocked again today as a playful smile sweeps my face… an afternoon spent rediscovering culinary happiness… an evening of pampering the self… and a night where i smiled uncontrollably as the first flash of lightning came followed by a joyous rumbling of thunder… and yes it found me on my roof in the breeze dancing to a song my soul thinks is it’s own… a white car with tiny yellow flowers falling from its’ roof in the wind… a bat floating away into nothingness in this beautiful breeze… and the smells of a rain dusted new life…

discovered my moksha and my purpose in this song….

“Heal the scars from off my back
I don’t need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I’ve come home”

chandni

and i’ve always fantasized about the good things of life…  momentous ones… small ones… even inconsequential ones…

but sometimes it’s just nice to go back into the past.. dig up those bad ones and then give them a happy ending…

and as i let this beautiful rain engulf every pore of me i somewhere believe… believe that the universe really does line up to give you what you want… a friend once called me destiny’s very own precious child… 🙂 and well..

sometimes.. we just complicate our lives way too much… in those moments reading this has always helped… i give you desiderata….

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

…in the beautiful silence of this lonely night i sit awake and watch the clouds fleeting over the moon… i let go of every past not-so-happy-moment and count my blessings…

you should too.. it’s a marvellous night for a moondance!

baarish

and i wished for a rainy day… an endless summer… and a pocket full of stars… and it came true! 🙂

sitting in candle light with the soft smells of cinnamon and orange from incense sticks as it rains outside and the heart screams ‘dhuli dhuli si ye zameen… dhula dhula sa aasmaan…!’

it was a childhood conversation with a teacher who once patiently explained that when it rains then the powers that be are washing away all your troubles… and then all of seven years old i looked at her and asked ‘so why is there thunder and lightning? why is someone up there angry?’ and i received a smile and was told ‘no no… the troubles have to be scared away you know!’

since then… (and yes you are allowed to nod your head in vain at it) i have made a wish on every summer rain… and watched in awe as lightning has flashed around revealing a whole new world with the delicate sound of thunder! i have dropped everything and rushed to open a door or a window and watch it rain for hours on end…

as for the purpose… yes… it’s in the making… slowly… it involves a process of rediscovery… a process of self discovery… and a walk in the rain! 🙂 it is true when they say ‘in the silence of not doing when you slowly begin to listen… then anything in life can be your guide!’

a sudden urge for pakoras and coffee (~sheesh! i have probably become more South Indianised than i care to admit! esp since i prefer vada’s to pakoras!)…

and so with all it’s sham, drudgery and broken dreams… it’s still a beautiful world!

resigns to listening to the thunder as a soft stillness takes over and i wait for the wish to come true.. !

ankahi

flourescent white lights spinning in my brain… as i re-reach the dreaded question yet again… ‘the purpose…’!

i can keep telling myself to be like the arctic tern that migrates with singleminded purpose… but then comes and dances what we have all called “larger purpose”.

and then that too can be defined as happiness… however with the recently challenged belief system it comes around to being an illusion… so basic transitivity applies and purpose cannot be illusory…

and net net the room is this trundling mess of bundles of washed clothes awaiting ironing.. and i figure as is the mind.. much has been washed and cleaned or has restarted… it’s probably a matter of letting go of the procrastination and starting a process of rediscovery…  and then maybe the question shall silence itself…

unfinished books… and unwritten words… and incomplete paintings… and several unsaid words…

Mess! I know.

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind… ? (really?)

resigns to reciting the daimoku and picking up those clothes…

sabr

और फिर वो अपना coffee का cup लिए अपनी छत पे बैठे उगते सूरज से कई सवाल पूछ लेती है… उसकी छोटी सी बरसाती उसे अब घर लगने लगी है… दिन भर की आव भाव… तमाम बातें… उस देहलीज़ के बहार रह जाती हैं और अन्दर आती हैं उसके साथ एक खोयी हुई सी नज़्म… मुट्ठी भर मुस्कान और आसमान छू जाने की वो inexplicable तमन्ना…

 

इस तमन्ना को वो न तो समझ पाई है और न समझा पाई है… वो रोज़ मर्राह में सोचती है की ज़िन्दगी है तो जिए जाते हैं… पर घर आके फॉर कुछ ख्वाब उसे अपनी नन्ही मुट्ठी में सिकोड़ लेते हैं और वो उनकी planning में लग जाती है….

 

हाल फिलहाल एक painting उसके मनन की सुरुन्गों पे कब्ज़ा करे है… बस उँगलियों से उतर कर brush में नहीं आ प् रही है… मनन कहता है ‘सब्र’…

 

सब्र भी बड़ी अजीब चीज़ होती है… जब ज़रूरी होता है तो हो नहीं पाटा… ! और आज कल उसकी ज़िन्दगी के कई दायरे हैं जो उसे यही आवाज़ सुना रहे हैं….

 

तो फिर वो वापस अपनी coffee की प्याली को देखती है… एक लम्बी सांस लेती है… और ‘सब्र’ रखते हुए एक लम्बे monday की ओर रवाना हो चलती है…

thehraav

and in the silence of not doing… when u really begin to listen… then anything in life can be your guide! 🙂

 

it’s been much less silence and one too many conversations this past week and they have left me spinning… so a few quiet hours on the weekend while staring at the lava lamp led to the spinning away of the noise as enough peace settled for me to return to my ‘homeland’.

 

life has been changing… around me.. and fast! (mine on the other hand has kept a slow easy pace… enough to allow me to catch up on some lost reading, think of a few new tattoos and start reorganize a playlist while i search for some paint-spiration!)

 

hostel roomie cum buddy cum motherly avatar has brought into this world a beautiful baby girl! (~goosebumps!)

 

two real close friends are getting married this may! (and i’m still single..! that’s not to say i don’t enjoy my singledom! oh i cherish it.. and maybe even over use it to my advantage! 😉 but wtf! i’m still single and the world is getting married and having babies!)

 

work as i know it has begun to change and i’m not too sure how i feel about that… (i guess this is where Baz Luhrman comes and says ‘maybe u’ll marry, maybe u won’t… maybe u’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s)

 

~ and then maybe you’ll find the right shoes.. maybe you won’t! if you fret enough and decide to walk around enough in the sun maybe your chances go up! (i must’ve tried a million pairs today to finally settle on THAT one!)

 

~ and maybe life will always be full of the little things for me! 🙂 a new haircut with so much less hair on my head… a delivery of a book from flipkart… a eureka moment with finding kokum crush at the supermarket… a bubble as it rises and falls in the lava lamp… a cup of coffee with a friend-philospoher-guide as we look at some amazing photographs and he shares a storyline… a song shared… a bear hug and a budweiser! 😉

 

this is to life and it’s so many beautiful moments…! if all life is a dream and happiness an illusion… maybe i am living the dream! 🙂

 

“मंजिल उन्ही को मिलती है जिनके सपनो में जान होती है… यूँही पँख फैलाने से कुछ नहीं होता… होंसले से ही उड़ान होती है!”